Satire · Local News
Two Extremely High Hippies Enter 35th Day of Spiritual Sit-In At Historic Norwood Indian Mound
Self-proclaimed religious leaders vow to continue protest until ancient spirits reveal their demands, or somebody brings more orange juice.
NORWOOD, OHIO — What began as a peaceful spiritual demonstration at Norwood's historic Indian Mound has entered its 35th consecutive day, as two aging hippies remain seated cross-legged atop the ancient earthwork, reportedly under the influence of extraordinary quantities of LSD and increasingly convinced that the nearby water towers are communicating with them.
The protesters, 67-year-old Rainbow Moonbeam and her longtime spiritual companion, 69-year-old Cedar Windchime, arrived at the prehistoric site more than a month ago carrying yoga mats, incense, a portable Bluetooth speaker, and what authorities described as "an absolutely unreasonable amount of psychedelic paraphernalia."
The pair claim to be ordained ministers of the Universal Church of Perpetual Enlightenment, a fictional religious organization whose central doctrine holds that LSD is a sacred sacrament necessary for achieving spiritual communion with the universe.
"We're not on drugs," explained Windchime, whose pupils reportedly appeared to occupy approximately 90 percent of his face. "We're on a journey through the infinite consciousness of the cosmic earth mother."
He then spent eleven minutes attempting to shake hands with a butterfly.
An Ancient Sacred Site Becomes a Modern Spiritual Battleground
The Norwood Mound is believed to have been constructed by people of the prehistoric Adena culture and is considered one of the Cincinnati area's important surviving Native American earthworks.
The mound has stood for centuries, surviving the development of modern Norwood, the construction of nearby water towers, and generations of local residents who have driven past it without realizing what it was.
According to Moonbeam, however, the mound has recently begun transmitting urgent spiritual messages.
"The ancestors have spoken," she declared during a press conference attended by three reporters and a visibly uncomfortable squirrel. "They are deeply concerned about humanity's relationship with the earth, the universe, and the price of organic avocados."
When asked how she knew the messages were coming from ancient spirits rather than the substantial amount of LSD she had reportedly consumed, Moonbeam responded, "That's exactly what the government wants you to ask."
Protesters Unable to Explain What They Are Protesting
Despite occupying the historic mound for 35 days, neither protester has successfully articulated a specific demand.
Their original handwritten protest sign read:
Free the mound. Free your mind. Free parking.
The sign was replaced on day twelve after Windchime became convinced that the letter E was sending him threatening messages.
A second sign, reading "WE ARE ALL ONE," was abandoned after the couple engaged in a six-hour argument over whether they were technically two.
Local officials say they remain uncertain what would constitute a successful resolution.
"We've asked them what they want," explained fictional city liaison Harold Blevins. "They told us the mound wants to be heard. We asked what the mound was saying. They told us to stop interrupting it."
Blevins said the city remains committed to resolving the situation peacefully, preferably before either protester begins communicating with municipal infrastructure again.
Water Towers Believed to Be Extraterrestrial Beings
Perhaps the most troubling development occurred on day 23, when Windchime announced that Norwood's nearby water towers were actually ancient extraterrestrial communication devices disguised as municipal water infrastructure.
"They've been watching us for thousands of years," Windchime whispered, gesturing toward the towers. "And now they're ready to reveal the truth."
When informed that the towers were built to store and distribute drinking water, Windchime became visibly emotional.
"That's what makes their sacrifice so beautiful," he said.
Moonbeam has independently claimed that one tower is male, the other female, and that the two have been experiencing marital difficulties since 1987.
City utility officials declined to comment on the alleged extraterrestrial relationship, but confirmed that both structures continue to perform their intended functions.
Religious Freedom Complicates Negotiations
The couple maintains that their ongoing consumption of LSD is a fundamental requirement of their religious practice.
"Our faith requires us to remain in a continuous state of heightened consciousness," Moonbeam explained. "We cannot abandon our sacred obligations simply because society insists on things like sobriety, pants, and knowing what day it is."
Local legal observers note that claiming religious status does not automatically exempt individuals from drug laws, trespassing restrictions, or regulations protecting historic sites.
Nevertheless, the pair have threatened to file a federal lawsuit should authorities interfere with their spiritual mission.
Windchime reportedly attempted to submit the first draft of the lawsuit last Thursday, but the document consisted entirely of a drawing of a purple horse surrounded by the words "THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS."
Community Response Remains Mixed
Residents living near the mound have expressed a combination of sympathy, irritation, and genuine fascination.
One fictional neighbor said she initially supported the protesters' commitment to protecting Native American history, but became concerned when Windchime spent an entire afternoon apologizing to her garden hose.
Another resident complained that the couple's nightly chanting had become disruptive.
"They've been singing the same three notes for over a month," the resident explained. "And somehow they're getting worse."
A third neighbor expressed admiration for their physical endurance.
"I'm 54 years old," he said. "If I sat cross-legged on the ground for 35 minutes, they'd have to bring in the fire department to get me up."
Historians Urge Respect for Actual Indigenous Heritage
Local preservation advocates have emphasized that Norwood Mound is an important historical and potentially sacred site whose significance should not be confused with the protesters' invented spiritual claims.
The mound's history predates the modern city by many centuries, and its preservation offers a rare connection to the region's Indigenous past.
When asked whether their protest had any connection to documented Adena traditions, Moonbeam acknowledged that she had not researched the subject.
"We don't believe in reading history," she explained. "We believe in experiencing it."
She then announced that she had personally witnessed the construction of the mound during a particularly intense meditation session on day nineteen.
Day 36 Approaches
As the demonstration enters its sixth week, officials remain hopeful that the situation will eventually resolve itself.
The protesters have refused offers of transportation, counseling, and a nearby hotel room, although both reportedly expressed considerable interest in a complimentary breakfast buffet.
"We're prepared to remain here until the universe gives us a sign," Windchime declared.
At approximately 4:15 p.m., a city sanitation truck sounded its backup alarm on a nearby street.
Both protesters immediately fell to their knees.
"IT HAS BEGUN!" Moonbeam screamed.
At press time, the couple had postponed their departure for another seven days after Windchime discovered that the moon would be visible again that evening.
VisitNorwood.com — Ancient History. Modern Problems.
SATIRE: This is a fictional story. Rainbow Moonbeam, Cedar Windchime, the Universal Church of Perpetual Enlightenment, all quoted officials, and the alleged protest are invented. Norwood Mound is a genuine protected historic site deserving respectful preservation.
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